Watching joseph campbell, old white man with old white man voice, explain the hero with a thousand faces. its this documentary that Christine recommended vividly, and so i eventually got around to watching. I'm tired.
I miss the days though, the days of a good 2 hours in a long car ride with the fam dedicated to singing it all together. We'd skip the song dediacted to Hamilton's steamy affair, tear up when Eliza cries over Philip, and say wow when the whole shabang charade ends. History has its eyes on you. I guess I hear that a lot. Eyes on you.
I can blame a lot of things on a lot of things but I really feel such a complicated relationship with my intelligence. It hurt me so much as a kid, or at least, I think it did? I genuinely can't remember! I remember this idea of being scared that I was going to hurt someone if I spoke. I know, I know, I can ask... but I'm tired.
I guess I still feel like an asshole whenever I talk about other people's feelings, like I'm explaining something obvious to me (which it, to some part, is) as something not obvious to them...
I guess I simultaneously assume they don't already know what I'm going to say, assume they will be upset at me for saying something they don't know, assume there is only value in what I have to say if it is a new opinion / outlook, all while beating myself up for being an asshole by assuming what they (don't) know, how they feel, and that they care.
parts are saying I should ask questions about what other people think when they're talking to me about their problems instead of saying what I think. I guess that's a good idea, as compassionate understanding must occur within, cannot be forced in from without.
But i want to keep that idea alongside the idea that i have a polarized complex around sharing my own opinions, one part discouraging as self-centered, egotistical, not helpful, not being a good listener/making someone feel heard, and another part encouraging because he both really wants to be heard and also I think has good ideas that I want people to hear.
bleugh. bleugh. bleugh. excited to watch this movie (waking life) and go to bed
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